Some Trees Are not for Climbing!

My best hobby as a child was climbing! My grandma, now of blessed memory, would scream and shout for me to stop but after a while she got fed up and I was left to learn the hard way.

However, as much as I loved climbing trees I soon learnt that there are some trees that are not for climbing. Funny enough, these trees were all in the same farm.

I enjoyed climbing Mango trees especially after the rain as the ripe Mangoes would have been washed by the rainwater. The very tall Pawpaw trees were close enough to the Mango trees but never to be climbed. Yet as children we longed for Pawpaw fruit as well as the Mangoes.

So how did we eventually get to eat the Pawpaw since we could not reach it and it was not for climbing? Ah! Ah!

This is where wisdom calls.

There are some of your in-laws that you simply cannot afford to ignore as their relationship to your spouse cannot simply be taken away.  Just like climbing the Pawpaw tree will not only break it but the climber would also go down as well.

“When cutting, look at the age of the machete.”- (African Proverb)

No matter how challenging your in-laws are, keep your cool and learn ways to reach them without breaking them and injuring your marriage. Remember they also need you.

We still ate Pawpaw alongside Mangoes but it took skills and wisdom to get them both.   

So, anytime you feel challenged stop and pray for wisdom some in-laws cannot be “out-lawed”.

God bless you.

 

 

Strive for Peace.

 Never make a decision to cut off from your in-laws no matter the situation. Do not decide to brush them aside no matter how bad you feel they are. Yes, some in-laws are challenging no doubt but they probably would still be even if they are not your in-laws anyway!

First, let your spouse know how much you are hurting. Your spouse would have, or must have a way of handling the situations better than cutting off from them.

After all they have been his parents or even his extended family long before meeting and marrying you! There must be a way tough situations have been handled in the past!

Don’t be in the middle of an “in-law” crisis, and never be an advocate for cutting off from your in-laws. Never advise your spouse to stop seeing his parents! If they have offended you in the past be ready to forgive them. Also be willing to accept them back as part of your family. Of course you are not a weakling but SMART. Bearing in mind you are also laying a foundation for another generation; like we all know it takes more than sand to build  the foundation for a house. You also need the stones no matter how rugged they are.  

An African Proverb states:

Wearing a mended dress is better than being naked

Learn to refrain yourself when confronted with provocative circumstances. Some cannot be avoided but can surely be prevented from spreading to dangerous levels.

The long term effect of deciding to have nothing to do with your in-laws could inadvertently affect you, your spouse and your children’s future.

For peace sake, remain calm and talk to your spouse. Be a man/woman enough and talk to your parents/siblings where applicable. Surprise your in-laws by telling you love them and see their face brightening up. No matter how hard hearted they appear to be love cannot be resisted. Give it a try.

Ever wondered what the letter “A” stands for in the word” in-law”?

 “A” stands for adaptability. Be adaptable and show them you are ready to accept and love them always.

One does not love if one does not accept from others (African Proverb)

God bless you.

 

Culture + Wisdom= Triumph

Anthony decided to tell his mother he was ready to get married to Edna. He knew there was going to be an objection from his family members as Edna was not of the same tribe with him. His main hurdle was to get through to his mother and once his mother approved of his relationship the rest of his family would equally approve it.

At first he found it difficult to do but with prayer and wisdom he dealt with it.

Read on—–

Each time Anthony visited his mother he bought a gift on his way and presented the gift to his mother as from Edna. On his way back he would do likewise by purchasing a gift on the way and presenting it back to Edna as from his mother. This he did on and on. When he felt the time was ripe he informed his mother and father  that he was bringing his future wife to see them. His mother had no objection to this as she equally longed to meet this kind girl that has been sending her so many luxurious gifts.

The day came and from Edna’s entrance to Anthony’s family – home she received a warm welcome from Anthony’s parents. Both Edna and Anthony’s mum were thanking each other for the gifts they both received from each other. Anthony’s mum was so impressed with Edna and especially her manners. Edna’s tribe or culture was never a subject for consideration. She appreciates Edna and Edna loves her. Anthony watched in amazement. They are both happily married today.

So, next time you wonder how to approach or even handle a difficult situation with your parents or in-laws, remember wisdom is the principal thing.

Don’t leave it behind and rely on your own understanding!

God bless you.

 

A little more Patience and————

 

Feeling frustrated by the constant interference of your in-laws? Thinking of giving up? Just before you take that painful decision take a deep breath and view things from a different perspective.

You’ve probably done it before and you might be thinking that it can never work out but just a little more patience from you can change things for the positive .

An African Proverb goes as this:

What is hanging up cannot be reached sitting down

Make that extra effort. The joy of your marriage and the smooth relationship with your in-laws needs more from you. Not so much to what you receive from them!

Even if they appear not to appreciate you which might not be necessarily so, keep holding on! One of the languages in life that will never have a universal interpreter is the “language of in-laws.” It is a language that each and every one has to learn and not ‘fed’ is relating with their in-laws.

How about seeing that interference as a way of communication? Why don’t you try surprising them that despite all that has happened you love them?  No matter how hard they may be a smiling face from a gentle and enduring heart can break a stony heart.

So don’t pack it up. It won’t make you feel better because you will miss your spouse as well.

Remember this African Proverb:

‘If you are patient in a moment of anger, you will spare yourself one hundred days of tears’.

God bless you

 

Good intentions eh?

 

As a parent, if your good intention to help your son’s or daughter’s marriage is going pear shaped it is better to step back. Why is this so you may ask?  If you do not step back, and soon enough as well, your good intention will now become the basis for dissolution in your child’s marriage. If your son’s or daughter’s spouse does not welcome your intervention(s) no matter how good and rewarding they are then leave it. Even if you do intend to still help them with a good intention of course maybe the time is not right yet.

Some in-laws today have indirectly contributed to a marriage break up.  This is more so if the couple have given them room to do so. Unfortunately even after the breakup of their child’s marriage they still find it difficult to realise they have done anything wrong. Take a look again Mama and Baba that your child is hurting silently!

However if a couple is closely united as one, no in-law would be able to intervene in their marriage.

A man cannot claim his parents forced him to leave his wife and marry another woman if he was not equally interested. If your parents had wrongly suggested it to you it is your job to let them know that  you love and would want to stay married to your wife. If you give them the sign that you are not happy in your marriage then you are doing nothing but encouraging disputes between your wife and your family. You should also realise that your wife’s happiness is your and if your wife is not happy it will affect your own happiness as well. The same applies to a woman that runs to her family for ungodly advice against her marriage.

So as a parent if your good intention is going awry then it is time to step back, pray, reassess the situation and yourself.

As  a man or woman and you are concerned about your parents or in-laws involvement  in your home then stop and check if you have given them the room to do so. An African proverb interprets as “If a wall is not cracked a gecko cannot go through it.”

Is there a crack in your marriage? Seal it before you face the consequences.

God bless you.

 

He’s got a feelings too!

A chicken also sweats it’s just the feathers that covers it.

 Most men still go through horrible times with their in-laws. This could be from any member of their wife’s family including her brothers and sisters. Just because they do not confront it does not mean they are not hurting from the effect: especially, if it is creating a revolting effect on the home and being brought to the knowledge of the children. As a woman, just as you would expect your husband to defend you with his relatives do likewise to him. If your relatives are aware that you are not happy with the way they are treating your husband no matter their reason they will change their way and start showing him love. Only you can make the difference.  Don’t wait for things to go very bad and has now become detrimental on your marriage. By then, it is more difficult to revert. When some men have made up their mind it takes a lot to bring things back to normal. Be observant and make your relatives treat your husband right.

“If you come near the river, you will hear the crab cough.” African Proverb

Your husband’s happiness is yours. Make him happy and reveal how much he’s got in stock for you as well. Pray for wisdom to make him happy in every area.

God bless you

 

Know their language

In order for the relationship to flourish between you and your in-laws there is a need to understand their language. Language in this context does not necessarily refer to the spoken language.  

Appropriate interpretation of their way of communication is important. Failure to do this leads to the wrong idea received which now acts as a foundation for further avoidable problems not only with your in-laws but in your marriage.

Most often we hear about crisis between daughter in-laws and mother in-laws. A chat with both of them will clearly show they both had good intentions towards each other. So where did it go wrong? A deep search will show it was all in the wrong perception of moves or even words. It’s time we sit back and study our in-laws before we take any regrettable action

“No one knows caution as regrets.” – African Proverb

God bless you

 

Don’t drop it after Christmas!

 

Most people make it up and even better with their in-laws during Christmas time. Do not stop it there after Christmas. Sharing love with your in-laws need not be for Christmas only!  Maintain the love all year through. If you could take the courage to wish them a merry Christmas then show them you do intend to make it that way always. No, you are not weak but you have got wisdom.

Merry Christmas!

“Wisdom rests in the heart of him who has understanding “Proverbs 14:33a”

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Time to stop the re-assessment, Mum!

 

One of the problem triggers in a marriage is when a mother or even a father in-law takes it upon themselves to continually reassess their daughter or son in-law .This unfortunately does not help anyone including you.

In the interests of your son or daughter, stop bringing the fault of their spouse to them or to anyone at all. If you look out for mistakes in your daughter in-law you will find many, all because you will fail to see the good and lovely side of her. If you are on your son in-laws case and determined to prove that your daughter married the wrong man that is what you will achieve.

For a couple to enjoy the best of each other and function as a family they need inspiring words especially from their parents. Remember a husband’s happiness is tied to his wife and the wife’s tied to her husband.

You cannot be against one and expect the other to function at his/her best.

Even if you notice any shortcoming correct and help them in love.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver (Prov.25:11).

Try not to be harsh on them. You can never go wrong being gentle and having an understanding of their feelings.

 Also realise that some things cannot be changed especially any unpleasant happening from the past in their life. Never bring what went before in the negative up with them-please, IT HURTS!

Pray for wisdom to be able to reach to your daughter or son in-law always. Be ready to accept them as your children together rather than accepting one and resenting the other.

Remember they are now one and if your son/daughter is happy with their wife/husband the way they are,-support them.

God bless you.

 

It’s my Sister in-law again!

It’s my Sister in-law again!

“Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes”

Proverbs 14; 29 (NLT)

Women at times find their Sister in-law challenging or even confrontational in their marriage.

Various reasons are given by both parties. It is made worse if the husband in question is not helping out or is just keeping quiet.

A sister in-law might appear difficult but is not necessarily so. Taking a look at the way siblings relate with each other even as children show us that they are close and will always look out for each other. This does not stop throughout lifetime. Even if they have had reasons to disagree with each other as siblings they will still look out for each other especially if they have reasons to believe that a third party might be taking advantage of their brother or sister.

When a man gets married, his sister cannot automatically cut off from relating closely with him, though she will have to adapt to the new family setting. This she can do easily  if she has the trust that his wife is able to do all and more than she has been doing in the past for him.

It does help if a woman before marriage has a close relationship with her sister in-law rather than keeping a distance. By having a close relationship you will have a better understanding of her motives and assure her you are in control. Obviously there are many to relate to in your husband’s family but you can take them one at a time. This is where the importance of not just meeting your in-laws matters but having an understanding of them right before marriage.

So, before you react to your sister in-law, think again, things might not be as difficult as you perceived.  Through the special grace of God you will achieve a perfect relationship not just with your sister in-law but with all your in-laws.

Think about this also:

“A man who has friends must himself be friendly”

Proverbs 18; 24a

God bless you.